I don’t think I’m brave enough to be a writer. I hate being alone all day, every day. Everyday is the same and it’s boring. I feel I will never be published and it makes me depressed, so maybe I should give up.
It’s getting closer to my birthday and I feel worse every day. I feel like I’m falling apart. I can’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t listen or say I’m better off than starving children in Africa. How does that fucking help me? I’m not responsible for them, It’s not my fault they’re poor. I’m poor too, but no one cares about me or gives me free money. No, because I’m white, I just get shit upon and told how lucky I am to be white and how easy it will be to get a job because of it. People never listen, they just hear the words they want to hear and totally disregard my feelings.
My birthday is coming up soon. It’s the one day a year I’m selfish and want to do what I want to do. I put up with shit every single day if my life (I’m serious) but just this one day, I don’t want shit. I want someone to look after me, especially since I have knee problems now and the doctor said there’s nothing he can do. It’s affecting my walking and every part of my life. Put my other health problems on top of it and no wonder I’m depressed. No wonder I cry all the time and feel like shit and feel there’s something wrong with me and why can’t I be normal.
On Monday I signed up for free classes. So I can meet women, maybe get a job and get some money to move. I’m living in a fantasy world, not reality. I want to escape and be free, but I can’t. I need money and I don’t know how to get it without working, and I can’t do that because of my knee problems and I hate interviews and the stupid idiotic questions that are barked at you and mean nothing.
What’s your 5 year plan? Are you fucking kidding me? What the F does that have to do with anything? What brain-dead moron came up with that? And is there even an answer? I want to climb the corporate ladder? I’m not climbing any ladders, I have knee problems and I’m afraid of heights.
Why is a man-hole cover round? Seriously? This is a question? These questions are designed to shame us into being stupid so we will buckle the employers will. We’re supposed to be grateful that they hired us despite not being smart enough to answer their stupid questions.
I can’t see any light at the end of this long dark tunnel. Everyday I struggle, some days it gets a bit easier, but mostly it’s pushing though shit. Last year took the whole year, but I finally received my licence. Hopefully something good will happen this year. And hope is all we have when we feel we have nothing left.